Don't Give Up...and Happy Thanksgiving!

It's the season of giving.  It's a time to be thankful.  For some reason, this year I have taken a step back and evaluated those thoughts.  Why do we put so much pressure on being thankful and giving during this commercialized, 8-week season of the year?  This should be a focus all the time.  Don't get me wrong, I love the holidays, and the way we get to transform our homes into a decorated place of celebration and family gathering.  I simply struggle with focusing on being 'thankful and giving' in November and December.  These are virtues that should be stressed and encouraged year round.

It's very possible that my age has something to do with my personal feelings, or even the recent events experienced by my family.  However, families and friends should be giving thanks to one another as often as possible.  Humans should be giving of one another in a thoughtful way, as best they can...without any judgment or expectation of assistance in return.  I recently had a conversation with someone who said she 'used to help others, but they don't help her anymore', so she stopped.  The giving spirit requires you to dig deep, and expect nothing in return.  That is hard. It also requires you to withhold judgment from those who simply cannot give in ways that you may choose to.

I also think that it's ok to give to yourself.  If you don't, you just might break.  Give yourself time.  Give yourself peace.  Remove yourself from the demands and chaos in your life that are not healthy... and heal.  If you do that, you are giving the gift of a healthy 'you' to your family.

Don't wait for November.  Get crazy and give in March too!  Be thankful in June!  Spread it out.  It will make for an amazing year!

Happy Thanksgiving to all...I am thankful to those of you who are reading.  I am grateful to my family and friends and feel so blessed today, and all other days of the year (even the difficult days).

Enjoy the turkey showdown video below...it's just for fun!

Keep It Simple...and give thanks!  ♥D

Our New Family Member - Screen

Note - For those of you following my book progress, there's an update on that page!  Check it out :)

As the school year rolls on, I assume parents are experiencing the joys and frustrations of schoolwork, extra-curriculars, and simply spending some time together at home.  In addition, we now have the added family member who I lovingly call 'Screen'.  He didn't come home from the hospital, but nonetheless, he did take a good amount from your wallet.  Screen is usually present in all rooms of the house.  He can sit on a desk, on your lap, and may even be an appendage on your body (usually connected to the hand).  Sometimes, Screen talks back to you.  Has that happened?  You think you are home with just your family (maybe you are even wearing your pajamas) and Screen has a person on it who suddenly says, "Hi Ms. Jayson, how are you"?  That is Skyping Screen.  I don't always love it when he is present.  But my children do.

Screen can take over.  Do you spend more time with Screen than with your kids?  Track it.  Record the amount of time you are actually focused on your children WITHOUT Screen present.  Screen has a very tricky way of invading all of our spaces.  Technology is important and critical for our ever changing society. We also need to ensure that our children are ready for future, but we  need to prepare them to be good, virtuous human beings.  That does not come from a screen.  This comes from direct, uninterrupted interaction with others.

Time spent with children, modeling for them kindness, generosity, patience and empathy for others is an invaluable lesson.  We live in a society that often demonstrates a disregard for the human spirit and humanity.  Wouldn't it be amazing if the news was filled with stories of acts of kindness brought forth by our children?  Play with your children, model for them what to do when things do not go their way.  Show them how to solve a problem with words (as opposed to some ways they will learn from Screen).  Show them how to disregard Screen and make them feel more important than Screen (demonstrates focus, non-distraction).

Finally, I know Screen has moved in permanently.  I love Screen, too.  But let's simply find a balance.  An hour with Screen, an hour outdoors-playing.  Another hour with Screen, and hour eating dinner together-NO Screen (he can eat later).  You can do it, so can the kids.  Enjoy the video below...I love the little baby who treats the magazine like an iPad.  ;)

Keep it simple...and balanced.  ♥D

Social NEED-ia

I wake up to my alarm and turn it off.  For the past several years now, my routine is to grab my phone first thing and check in.  I have to check my 2 email accounts, text messages, Facebook, Instgram, and Twitter feeds.  Then, I have to double check those feeds for my 3 children (responsible/stalker parenting).  Like most humans in the morning, I have to use the facilities, but this phone situation, delays that by about 10-15 minutes now.  Oh, the days of long ago when I just hit the alarm and got out of bed.  I have a hunch that 75% of you can relate to this.

Why is this a topic today?  Because this is a very relevant form of communication for many, many people.  Adult and children are using social media as a way of communicating thoughts and feelings.  Are you paying attention?  I was so relieved this week when a comment was made to me about one of my children from a friend.  He knew about my daughter because, as a responsible parent, he checks his child's media accounts and our children are friends.  We talked about the time it takes to sit and keep up with not only our own social media, but our children's too.  However, the invested time is worth it.

Children feel validated with the number of 'likes' they get.  Children feel validated with the number of 'friends' they get.  This is when I feel it switches from media to need-ia.  There's a competition to see who likes a post, a photo, a comment.  Sense of worth rises through this.  But, it shouldn't.  Those accounts, and 'friends' need to be cleaned out.  This is when parenting, and verbal discussions about loving yourself, and feeling validation through good works come in.

Have that real talk about friends...how many do you, as an adult, have in real life that matter most?  Have a talk about internet behaviors.  I found a great video to share with you today, and hope you share it with your children.  It's light-hearted, and covers some aspects of internet behaviors.  Enjoy it...and enjoy the media, just don't need it.

Keep it simple...and lightly social.  ♥D

Pancakes With...Empathy

School can be a wonderful place, full of friends, academic successes, and fun!  It can also be a place where some children experience their most memorable difficulties and challenges.  They spend  13+ years in required attendance whether they are having a good or  bad day.  This is very similar to adult life.  What do your children know about reacting to others, and their feelings?  Have you discussed the term empathy?

As daily academic and recreational pressures, as well as the constant influx of technology and media continue to come into their lives, kids tend to be overwhelmingly stimulated and far less relaxed.  This can lead to emotional feelings that are hard to understand, relay, and communicate in socially acceptable ways.  Teaching children what it means to show understanding, and kindness toward one another at young ages is critical to creating a caring, kind, and accepting community.  Empathy can be defined as being aware of and sharing another person's feelings, experiences, and emotions.

Sometimes I see students, and parents, wanting to isolate and exclude a child who is having a difficult time expressing his/her emotions in acceptable ways.  However, when I see students who acknowledge and share another's feelings, as pictured above, healing begins immediately.  With a cooperative learning environment, mixed with empathetic classmates and understanding adults, transformations in behavior can occur with very positive outcomes for all.

Empathy is:  seeing with the eyes of another
                       listening with the ears of another
                       and feeling with the heart of another.

Please watch the video below with your children...empathy is key.  Kids need to be kind to one another and work on understanding and accepting one another.  It's a simple way for them to begin to grasp the concept, and you, as parent, can take it from there.

Keep it simple...and think of others.  ♥D

Using Our Language Filter, Even When It's Hard

School has (or will be) starting.  Your child will simply not be happy every single moment of every single day at school.   Mrs. Smith will have treated him unfairly.  Mr. Jones will have singled her (and ONLY her) out for absolutely NO reason at all.  Michael will have pushed him down on the playground and no one did anything about it, even when he told a grown-up.  And, one of the worst...all of the girls sat together at lunch and excluded your daughter.  She sat alone.  I am not being sarcastic, exclusion is one of the worst feelings a child can experience.  As the year goes on, I'll try and tackle some of these issues individually, but for today I'd like to discuss your immediate reaction, as a parent, to the statements (or those similar) made above.

1.  You know your child.  He/she's looking for some empathy.  Go ahead and give it.  Listen.  Just listen, with out a reaction.  I often tell people to 'keep your face'.  Be mindful of your facial expression.  Don't lose it, even if you want to.  Show empathy, but try real hard not to let the anger flow through or deep sadness for the situation they are describing.

2.  Then question.  You really are only getting 1 version of the truth. What would have motivated your child's offender to do what he/she did?   Most people are generally good people.  I'd like to say that again.  Most people are generally good.  We have to work on believing that.  We use a court system that prescribes to innocent until proven guilty.  Wouldn't it be great if we believed that most people are here for good, rather than here to harm?

3. Please do not react negatively.  Use a language filter.  Once your child sees that you've lost control and are in an negative emotional reaction, they've 'got you'.  It's possible you are done being reasonable.  It will be difficult for you to listen to the teacher's version of what happened.  Keep your mind open, and you thoughts inside.

4.  Wait 24 hours.  As the evening progresses at home and your child sees your non-reaction, maybe more of the truth will come out.  Maybe not.  In the morning, when all are calm, make an appointment with the appropriate school personnel to discuss what is happening with an open mind.  I always recommend having your child present at these conferences (especially if they are age 8+).  They can be accountable and can hold others accountable for their actions.

So, go ahead and have a flurry of thoughts in your head!  Just keep them from coming out in front of your child.  Children are so smart.  You made them that way!

Keep it simple...calm, and cool!  ♥D

Finding Your Goulash

My two older children begin college this Monday.  My son is actually leaving.  It's his second year, and he will be living 4 hours away from home.  I remember last year struggling with his departure and loving his return trips home.  I couldn't wait for him to come home to visit.  I fussed over the house, and wanted it clean and in great shape.  Then came the moment when I was preparing his 'favorite meal'.  His whole life I've been a full-time working mom (a school administrator), and mother of three...taking the kids to their many, many after school activities.  We often ate on the run, and not always together.  So I'm thinking about that special meal to prepare for his return.  I have no idea what to make him.  I call him and ask what he wants.  "I don't care, ma...whatever you feel like making is good for me.  Just do goulash".  Then I realize, I don't cook.  I make about 3 things...weekly (and probably weakly!).  He has no 'favorite meal' that I can make for him to return home to eat.  I failed!  I'm devastated.  I love my mother's southern fried chicken and okra, and her biscuits and gravy.  I need him to love something of mine.  Right?  Or do I?

It took the year for me to realize that no, I don't.  He needs me to be me.  His mom that he knows is here always, loving him the way that I have for 19 years.  With Stouffers French Bread pizzas always on hand in that freezer waiting for him. He needs his home that is conveniently located right around the corner from Tim Hortons and McDonalds and Taco Bell for all of the meals required. And he will enjoy that sometimes I will pull off an amazing (yes, somewhat amazing) meal out of my oven once in a blue moon with the help of Allrecipes.com.  I can cook, if I have the time. But loving my kids had me getting them where they needed to be for 18 years and attending those events at dinner time.  Our cars looked and smelled like a dinner table.   What do we all enjoy?  My goulash.  It's simple, but yummy.  Everyone has their own version of goulash.  Find your family's...and make it special.  Eat that at the table every now and then.  They'll come home from college wanting that and it will be great!  ;)

Keep it simple...love your kids, and be proud of the way you love them!  ♥D

Discussing Death

As a parent, I know that I would do anything to protect my children from hurt.  I can't.  We all get hurt.  My own children have experienced loss (way too much for their young ages), but with each loved one lost, I have learned more about the questions they have.  Guess what?  I don't have all of the answers.  If I wasn't feeling bad enough about the inability to protect them from it, at least I should be able to provide the answers to their questions.  Right? Today I give all parents permission to relieve yourself from this pressure.  You are probably grieving, too.  Just do your best.  I'm going to share a few things I have learned over time, and then offer some books to assist with this challenging topic.

Below are some questions that I've had to attempt to answer.  My hope is to forewarn you so you can feel successful with some answers.

1.  On cremation..."How did grandpa get so small?  When I die won't I still be big?" - I honestly googled to "how to explain cremation to young children".  Think about your words/language you choose prior to responding.  You do not want to make this scarier than it already is.

2.  On disease and/or chronic illness..."Will I get that too?" or you may see worries from children that this will happen to one of their parents.  Depending on the age of the child, you can explain a little about genetics.  But most importantly, take the opportunity to focus on a healthy lifestyle, regular check-ups, and caring for a loved one.  Hopefully they have experienced the power of empathy.  During illness families come together and help their loved one.  I don't think you need to 'hide' this from children...let them participate in caring for a loved one.  Our children need to be empathetic.

3.  On suicide..."Why?  What happened? Didn't he/she love me?" - This will be almost impossible to answer.  After a suicide, it is important to discuss with children mental health and ways they can seek support during any of life's bumps.  This conversation may need to be revisited so that you can ensure that your children know who to go to when they feel down.  The reassurance that 'yes, you were loved' by that person will also be needed.

4.  On experiencing grief and it's feelings..."Did he cry?  Did she cry?  Why or why not?" -  If the death is close to home, as an adult you can explain and understand the variety of responses to it.  Help your children remain empathetic to all, and explain to them varied grief responses.  It's ok to be sad and cry for days.  It's ok to be angry.  It's ok to laugh, and share funny memories.  This is another challenge as kids are focused on their own feelings, and possibly believe all should respond in kind.  All grief responses are ok, as long as no one is getting further harmed by one's response.

The following are some children's books on death.  Sometimes, letting a book do the talking for you is the best solution for all.  

• Someone I Loved Died - by Christine Harder Tangvald
• The Invisible String - by Patrice Karst
• Samantha Jane's Missing Smile - by Julie Kaplow & Donna Pincus
• The Next Place - by Warren Hanson
• Pancakes With Papa - coming soon!  by Dena Albergo Jayson
• Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss - by Pat Schwiebert & Chuck DeKlyen
  
  

Keep it simple...and be there for your kids.  ♥D