I took some time off from the blog to stop talking and to listen and hear some of what was going on in my own household. We can so easily get distracted by the noise in our daily lives that we are simply moving forward with what is practically 'the prescribed plan'. I'm going to talk about my teenage daughter, an athlete, who is was college bound with an athletic scholarship. One that she doesn't really want to use. Don't get me wrong, she loves her sport, but she is growing into a wonderful young woman who is career focused now. She is also an independent thinker. I smile as I keep reminding parents to 'raise kids to become independent and ready to live their own responsible adult life', and it's happening here in my home. But, was I paying close enough attention? Was I listening? Yes. Was I hearing her as she expressed her desires for her career? Maybe not as well as I should have. But, I'm listening and hearing her now.
It was the middle of a sleepless night and I heard her. I got it, so to speak. I'm so grateful for that light bulb moment. We've made some college and career changes, just in the last few weeks, based on her desires, not mine. Parents have to ask questions of their children, and guide them, but also know their heart. What do they want to do with their life. Some have no clue at age 17. Some do. Are you listening? Probably. But are you paying attention to what they really love? What is their passion? Did it change? Think about your own life...are you doing what your mother and/or father wanted you to do OR are you doing what you want to do? I certainly hope it's the latter. Check in. Love them no matter what. Give them guidance and allow them to change their mind. I've added a little Big Bang Theory comic relief on 'Bad Listening'...enjoy.
Keep it simple...though sometimes, it's a little difficult. ♥D
Selfie was added to the dictionary this past May. How may times a day do you hear and/or say the word? How many 'selfies' do you take each day? Here's the real question...how many selfies do your children take? Do you even know? Where do they post them? What do they look like? Odds are the popular site to upload a selfie to has changed since I started typing this blog entry. As parents, we can hardly keep up. I just learned of a new app that can keep you informed of what your child is posting as a selfie. You might want to create a new email address. The app is called SelfieCop. It will send your child's selfies to your email address. A link to an article is provided below and it is currently only available for Android users (iphone...it's coming soon)! I have the app, and it's working. Here's the details, and some of my thoughts to go along with it.
1. You have to tell your child you are installing it on their phone/tablet/etc. Honesty is what you want to model.
2. You are encouraging appropriate picture taking. The goal is not to 'catch them' in a distasteful pose. I do wish the creators chose a different naming device other than 'cop' for this purpose.
3. Stress the importance of keeping them safe and keeping communication lines open. Remind them of the increase in internet crimes.
4. Make sure you are not receiving photos on a work email. You may want to consider opening a new email account for this purpose, especially if your child really loves to take selfies...your inbox may fill up quickly!
Finally, I cannot stress enough the importance of monitoring all of your child's internet activity. It's a pain. But you'll keep them safe. They think they are invincible, and they trust. You have to guide them. Let this app help you out.
How's the summer so far? It has been lovely here in pure Michigan! I'm sure the holiday weekend has been filled with family and friends. As we move along, however, how many times have the summer vacationers chimed in with 'Mom, I'm bored'? Once a week? Once a day? Once an hour? I can only imagine a worst case scenario where you don't hear from them at all simply because they are plugged in to electronic devices all day, preoccupied with the current (and many) social media opportunities. Personally, I don't find these 'social' media sites the best place for youth socialization skills to develop.
Boredom is ok. You are a parent, and unless it is your chosen profession, not an entertainment provider for your children. However, it is a great responsibility to help foster imagination. We need to encourage and develop imagination. When the kids are bored, given them 'things' to work with that they have never (or rarely) used before...and see what happens. Household items, old toys, new toys, tools, boxes, etc...see what their imaginations create. Cook with them, build with them, create with them. Stop what you are doing (unplug yourself from the internet), if you can, and spend some time with them. I think you'll be surprised, and impressed.
I've included two articles with lists of ideas for both young children and teens to overcome that summer boredom. There's some great ideas.
It's time to celebrate our nation's freedom and independence! Backyard BBQ's, pool parties, and the fun of...fireworks. Depending on the age of your child, you may not be feeling so free and independent. The fun of the 4th can suddenly go with the anxiety of the fireworks. I'm no therapist or counselor, but over the years I've learned that the anxieties kids experience are real and should be treated with compassion, kindness and empathy. Here's a few thoughts on getting through the next few days...
1. Find out why your child is afraid? Is it the noise (most likely) or is it the fear of the crowd of people and getting separated from you in that crowd? Talk with your child about the fears. Discuss the plan to ensure safety in a crowd.
2. If it is noise, explain that following the noise, there will be beautiful lights and colors.
3. Try to overcome the fear, or deal with the fears with song...here's one you can sing together (to the tune of 'Jingle Bells') Firework, Firework, I'm not afraid of you, You are loud, and you are bright, lighting up the night. Or you can pick any of your favorite songs that works for your family.
4. As each firework 'pops', let the kids jump, or yell at it...whatever eases and releases their anxieties.
5. Give them headphones (the BIG ones, not earbuds) and let them watch from inside a house or car.
6. Don't force them to watch if they are weary...invite them. They will come when ready.
Finally, stay relaxed as mom or dad. This is important. If you are anxious for them, they will sense it. Kids are so smart. If you have to miss the fireworks for a year or two to spend those moments a little closer with your little one...you won't regret it. I promise. Watch this sweet, sweet video of dad/daughter below and see how they get through the fireworks. There's still time for you to go out and purchase your own little baby pink guitar. ;)
Let's face it, if we could make childhood, adolescence, and those dreaded teenage years absolute bliss for our kids, we would. Free from harm, hurt, and harassment. Full of joy, surrounded by friends, and academic success. However, this is not the way the life works. Working in the field of education, I have come across many families who work hard to make the world their children live in pretty amazing. They have written some excellent (and not so excellent) research papers for their children, made some healthy lunches for them daily, picked out what to wear for them each and every day, ensured that they would never be placed in the same class with the rumored school 'bully', and always fought to be placed in the class with the teacher that they knew was a 'better fit' for their child.
But what happens when those children reach an adult age and aren't protected by his/her parents anymore?Are skills in place for good decision making? When life gets difficult, will he or she be able to cope? I do believe that we have a large population of overprotected young adults that are not prepared, and this is why we have an increase in violence with young adults. Independence, responsibility, and learning to handle the circumstances that we are given (at all ages) prepares children for the future. It's ok for your child to have to make his lunch everyday beginning at a young age. It's ok for your child to have to do her own homework, and then get the grade earned, even it it is a C. It's ok for your child to have the teacher that is rumored to be challenging...there is a lot to be learned and overcome when presented with challenges. When we are faced with challenges, we learn to get through them, and there is a great feeling of pride and accomplishment when we have. Let's start this early with our kids.
I challenge parents to do some summer homework and reflect on some general practices. Are you preparing or overprotecting? What can you do to get them even more ready for college and beyond?
I've included a very short article from Time Magazine below, it may help with your homework. Check it out.
The competition has started. US vs. Germany. Maybe you love soccer. Maybe you haven't watched a day of it in your life until this week. Whatever it is...the competition and thrill of the game extends around the globe for the sport this month and it's exciting! I started out rooting for team Italy and my daughter was team Spain, and we're always a team USA household. We're slowly getting knocked out of this year's cup.
Do you sometimes feel that way as a parent? Do you wake up as team Family United and within minutes turn into Family Divided? It certainly doesn't take much for that sweet morning to take a turn. A look the wrong way, a busy bathroom, an unclean shirt, overdue homework...you name it. What is important to remember is that family is not a competition. Struggles within a family should not be competitive. There is no 'winner', between parent and child. So try not to win, but know that your children will.
If you must, you can redefine what winning looks like. I would view family 'winning' as making sure that my children can function as responsible, independent adults, who can make good choices for themselves.
So, when a field battle is about to begin over what to wear to school, curfew times, eating the 'green stuff on the plate'...try to decide if that struggle is worth it. Give them alternatives. I have Italy or the US. Let your child pick something from the closet and you pick something. Offer 2 curfew choices (they will pick the later one, of course). Give 2 or 3 healthy food choices before cooking, and involve them in the process. Or you can say, you have to eat the beans...do you want them on Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday? And...use common sense, kids do not need to have a choice in everything. You are the parent, BE the parent.
We, as adults like to have choices. Kids do too. Empower them, let them feel important. But remember, you are the coach, manager, and owner. ;)
Keep it simple...Now Is Our Time (see Team USA below) ♥D
As the summer continues to roll on, I'm sure the fun is just starting for your teenagers. I'm certain that I drive my own crazy with the questions I ask. This does not bother me. Every nutty question I ask them is, (1) for their safety, and (2) for my sanity. It may be selfish of me to request a bit of sanity, but we have been through a lot, and after all this time together, an attempt at sanity while they are out driving cars and possibly engaging in even more risky behaviors is the least they can do for me. So...how can you let them know that you are still in charge for just a couple of more years, until they reach that precious age of adulthood?
Let them know you mean business when you ask those questions. Where are you going? Who are you with? I find the most important one is...what's the address of where you will be? I love the text messaging capability now because there's no excuse for lack of communication. I always have them 'text me the address' of their destination. Now, think back...were you always where you said you'd be? This is where parenting teens can get fun, a little scary, and creative!
Get in your car, load that address into the GPS and go! What if they are not there? Get creative (make sure you have gas), and think like your teen...go where you think he/she is. Do not warn them, or text them yet...just drive around and look for their car (really, when have you had a night out and an adventure like this lately, anyway)? When you find the car, and I hope you do, I suggest the following:
FASES (Face Saving Exit Strategies) for your teen:
1. Park your car and stay in it.
2. Text your teen and ask...'where are you again'...this will give them one more chance at the truth.
3. If he/she tells you the truth. Go home. Adventure over. ;)
4. If he/she is dishonest...I recommend a gentle text that says...'I am parked outside. You have 3 minutes to get out of that house and into my car. I do not care what you say to your friends. But you have 3 minutes. Good luck'.
5. Do not let them drive the car home from that house...leave it there for the night. Or, if you have a helper/spouse/co-parent...have them drive the other vehicle home.
6. Always remain calm.
7. If your children think you will check on them and follow-through...they will be where they say they are going. You should only have to stalk them once.
I'm sure you will offer consequences for dishonesty. If you don't this will likely repeat. As my children got older and began to work, I started to 'fine' them. Hitting them in the wallet seemed to work. No one likes that. The money went right back into feeding them anyway. ;)
Remember Home Improvement? Here's a cute episode about raising teens...I enjoyed re-watching it.
Keep it simple...consistent, and follow-through! ♥D
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