Red 'Oh No' Cup (Again!) - Reminders for Prom and Graduation Season

You can't stop the inevitable.   Especially at this time of year.   Prom season. Grad parties.  Pool parties.  Bonfires.  Your teenager will undoubtedly be invited to these and will be begging to go.  They have been waiting for summer freedom to arrive.

Red Solo Cup... this is your favorite time of year too!  As parents,  we are terrified of any photo with our children holding you close in hand.   But they may be put there.  Twittered.   Snapchatted.   Instagrammed.   You may think that ignorance is truly bliss.   But when it comes to your teen drinking,  knowledge is life saving.

Look at this Buzzfeed article and the images other countries have of American parties...

Buzzfeed - American Party Fun

So how can we realistically help our kids?   I truly believe we have to offer our kids FASES (FAce Saving Exit Strategies).  I will offer these often,  for every age and many situations.   We all want to get out of challenging situation with grace, especially teenagers.  Here are my thoughts:

1. Have them say, NO-I don't drink.  However, think back, how often did YOU do this?  Were you successful?
2. Have them offer a medical excuse, "I'm taking medicine for an illness right now and cannot have alcohol".   Nope, it is not ok to lie...but if they find they are not strong enough to just say no, allow this one.
3. Tell them to fill up the cup, but DO NOT DRINK from it.  Pour it out slowly.  Dump it in the sink. Pretend to drink, and then just don't!  Go to the bathroom and rid of the drink.  However, if a party is broken up with law enforcement, it is never a good idea to have the cup in hand anyway.
4. Have them exit the situation.  Call you.  Text you.  Make it ok for them to get a hold of you for a rescue and then blame you for the exit.  It's ok for you to be the bad guy, if they stay safe, and remain in good standing with their peer group.

FASES are critical for all ages, even adults.  Do you have any to share for this issue?  Please do.

Finally, if you've got a little song in your head...here you go (and this is Glee's version because this is what our kids are watching).  Keep it simple...everyday!  ♥D

K-Cups...I Blame You for Our Loss of Filters

We need them back.  Filters, that is.  Language filters.  There's an increase in what we, as adults, choose to say in front of our children.  We need to remember that they are children.  Their brains are developing, and they cannot process emotions and feelings at a mature rate.  They do not understand that we sometimes have to behave one way, even though we may have contradictory feelings at the time.  They do not understand the importance of time and its healing powers.  Children haven't lived long enough to understand any of this.  Today, I plead with readers...put your filter back on when having conversations with or around your children.  Stop yourself.  I'll give you some examples...

Regarding Teachers/Coaches/Volunteer Leaders - You will, if you have not yet, have an issue with one or more of your child's teachers/coaches.  While it used to be the norm to speak with your child, and then the teacher/school, prior to having an emotional reaction...I find that more and more parents have an that reaction in front of their children without speaking to the teacher first. It's often not in favor of the teacher. Please do not make disparaging comments/assumptions out loud in front of your child. If you have middle school aged children, you know about the challenging moments that come while raising them. It's natural for their age.  Can you imagine being a teacher, trying to educate your child, who has a lack of respect for him/her for more than just those moments?  Sometimes they carry this disrespect throughout the course.  This can be due to something that occurred in parent conversations, overheard by your children (and yes, I recognize it can also be due to the teacher, I know we do not always have the most respectful educators).  Filtered conversations regarding school and it's teachers can make a significant and positive impact on your child's school year. This also applies to coaches and volunteer leaders for groups your child may be affiliated with.

Regarding Family Life - Even more important, and possibly more challenging is preventing eruptions and emotional confrontations between parents in front of the children.  I've included a YouTube video below (it's short!) regarding the impact on children.  We are here to protect our children.  Allowing them in to the issues of marital breakdown is harmful.  No parent would throw their child into a burning building...do not throw them into the middle of broken marriage.  Save your discussions for private.  Get a babysitter.  Send them to grandmas.  Whatever it takes.  I have admired many parents who can do this.  It can be done with peace and grace.  The kids come out alright, and with two loving parents sharing time with them.

Regarding Language In General - If you don't want them to say it, don't say it in front of them.  I think that one is self explanatory.  Children learn what they live.

Filtering may come naturally, or it may be a complete challenge.  Take the challenge.  It will be worth it.  We will see an increase in overall respect.  You are modeling relationships. Again, it will be worth it.

Keep it simple...and filtered!  ♥D

Great News About the Common Core!

There is so much negative media about the Common Core, I thought it would be nice to shed some light on what I view as a real strength to these benchmarks, especially during reading month.  There's a shift in required reading across all grade levels to what is referred to as informational text.  What is it?  Informational or expository texts main purpose is to inform or instruct the reader in some way.  There is often specialized vocabulary, and many times diagrams or charts, photos or illustrations that aide in the delivery of the information.

Why is this a 'good thing'?  The reading materials associated with informational texts are providing real and true information.  There's a shift to reading based on interest.  We know that if our children (or students) are interested in a topic, then they will be engaged.  Give them a book on how a shark really lives (especially during Shark Week!), with photographs, as opposed to a story about a shark and there will probably be increased desire to read.  There's a book referenced in a link I'll share with you about children of the wild west.  If your child has an interest in that time period and growing up in the era, his/her drive to learn will be self-motivated, and this book is a great resource.

I believe we will see boys reading more.  The books available in classroom libraries will shift from stories to informational texts.  Stories are still very relevant, but there will be a better balance. What do you have at home?  I've attached a book list generated by Judy Freeman.  They are her picks of the top non-fiction books of the century.  These are just a sampling of what is available.

Some Great Non-Fiction Picks for Children

Remember, this is a change brought forth by the Common Core.  Next time you feel frustrated by it's math methods, take a moment and think about the wonderful shift it's trying to bring about with reading.  Then go get a book.

I've added one last video from author and historian Marc Aronson.  Take a moment to watch.

Keep It Simple...and have patience with the Common Core ♥ D

50 Shades - What's OK there, is not OK here...but that's OK!

I bet you think this post is all about that movie.  No, this is a post about raising children.  However, when you think about the term raising children...we really are raising/growing adults.  We need to make these precious, precious people functioning adults.  How can we best do that?  In my opinion, it's through the amazing art of discussion and communication.

I chose '50 shades' because what goes on behind the doors/windows of one's home does not have to be what happens in your home. No matter how much pressure your kids put on you!  There was much buzz lately about children in France being allowed to watch 50 Shades of Gray (see USA Today Article ).  While US families are criticized for allowing children to be exposed to violent films.  Let's take these examples and narrow them down to your children and the discussions you can have with them when they say to you that 'Sarah can do this' or 'Lucy has that", 'Sam can play that', etc...

This is a great time to open that window and have a discussion!  As I have mentioned previously in this blog, sheltering and protecting our kids from too much will not prepare them for difficulties and challenges of adulthood.  This does not mean that you should be permissive, but providing some explanations can help.  Talk about your reasons.  There's increased intrigue with the word no.  Assisting with an explanation can alleviate some of the allure and buy some time before they will ask again.  My youngest wants a Twitter account.  Many of her friends have one.  She cannot have one yet.  However, instead of 'pulling the shade down' with a NO, we can discuss why she cannot have it yet.  I can also tell her, that it's great that her friends have one, without placing any negative judgments on what is allowed at their homes.  It's a tricky thing to do, but you must do it.

Finally, you probably won't make them happy if your stance is not the same as theirs.  That's ok.  You are the parent.  Let them know that in time, they can have whatever privilege it is they are seeking.  I always say that's 'the bonus of growing into an adult'.  Whether you close the shade or raise it, do so with discussion.  It's so important to best prepare them for adulthood.

Keep It Simple...and talk to your kids!  ♥D

Kids Are Color Blind

It's already February, the month we celebrate hearts, love, and black history.  Extra efforts and emphasis are often put in by schools to recognize notable African Americans and their accomplishments during the month.  As mom and primary educator, we have to recognize teachable moments, and hope that we handle them in a way that will make the world better.  That's a big job.

I always think back to a February when my (now adult) daughter was 5, and I was watching 'Boston Public'.  She came into the room and saw Chi McBride on the television and something about him reminded her of her father. Her dad was a bald, white man, with strong American Indian traits in him.  He loved the sun, and was often very tan, or brown skinned.  My daughter saw Chi, and said "I'm so thankful we had Martin Luther King, because now daddy can live with us".  In that very teachable moment, I had a choice...tell her that 'daddy isn't black so this doesn't apply to our family'.  Or say, 'yes, we should be thankful for him because all colors of skin can live together and be a family'.  I chose the latter.  She needed to know this lesson, first and foremost.  At a later time I would explain more about her American Indian and Italian heritage.

In moments like these, what do you do?  Kids are color blind.  They are accepting of all.  Your experiences are not those of your kids.  That's important to remember.  Your pre-conceived notions about cultural/racial groups are not those of children.  Imagine a world where we did not make a judgment against anyone based upon skin color, ethnic group, or orientation.  My goal for my children is to meet someone, get to know them, then decide if their inner character is one that they have room for in their life.  Do the value systems align?  If not, then find room for a person with shared values.  It's February...celebrate love for all.

I've included a video today.  It has some strong comments on the YouTube site, but I liked the thoughts.  Watch it...and form your own opinion.

Keep It Simple...and share love!  ♥D

Smashcake!

I get the privilege of attending one of my very favorite little girl's 1st birthday party today.  I was looking forward to see her eat and attack her birthday cake, when not too long ago pictures of her floated across my social media and she was doing it...with the caption of 'smashcake'.  I saw her dad a few weeks ago and he explained she had already had this experience for her 1st birthday photos.  The word 'smashcake' was recurring in our conversation.  Then, last week, I was at school and another mom mentioned how she was at a little ones party and talked about how the little one did with his 'smashcake'.  What?  What' happened...it's not just cake anymore?

I have 3 close family members who are having babies this spring.  My youngest is 12 so it has been a while since I was caring for a baby.  Watching them go through the challenges and joys of pregnancy and caring for infants, makes me grateful I was younger when I had my 3.  ;)  However, it also had me take pause and reflect on the advice I received, and the notions that I believed to be right (whether they were or not), and how those around me reacted to it.

I remember a conversation that I had almost 20 years ago with a family member.  I chose not to breastfeed my children.  I simply did not want to.  I didn't have any other reason for my choice.  This family member was so upset with me, and told me how much damage I was doing to my child.  I often wonder if she's aware that he's ok, and doing well in college now.  He survived formula. My point is, every new mom, experienced mom, and super mom is entitled to her own belief, value system, and choices.  We have to be a system of support for one another that is anchored in respect.  It's often kind of interesting to learn from one another.  Pregnant women are now cautioned from so many things, that I'm sure I wasn't clued into just 12 years ago.  Talking with them and asking questions, rather than passing judgment can be a wonderful conversation.

And yes, I'm sure you did 'that', and survived.  But try not to make any new mom feel bad for not doing what you did.  She's got enough on her plate...I'm sure that is something all moms have in common.  ;)

I've attached a funny video from Jimmy Fallon...enjoy!

Keep It Simple...and enjoy your cake! ♥D

It's a New Year...Allow for Do-Overs and Letting Go

Happy New Year!  If you are following my book updates...there's a new one on that page today!

I can't believe we are beginning 2015!  I was thinking about how we often get caught up in hurt and worry over life's issues that are out of our control, or are simple mistakes.  When my children complain about other people in their life that have caused conflict, I tell them that those are the people in most need of our prayers, or positive thoughts.  So often we cannot understand the motivation of others, or even ourselves, when we act in an unkind way.  Have you considered that awesome concept by children of a 'do-over'?  This then needs to be followed with 'letting go'.  We can do it, nothing is stopping us (except for pride, or any other human emotion that applies).  Here's an example:

I had a stress-filled day not too long ago.  It was full of that Christmas time stress...shopping, parking in a full lot, couldn't find the gift I was searching for, etc...  Later that day, I found myself delivering that stress to my children as we prepped for dinner.  The kids were unsure, and began to 'walk on eggshells' around me as we got the house cleaned and dinner ready.  After a pause, I realized that my stress is not their problem.  I told the girls that I simply needed a 'do-over'.  I explained that my day was difficult, and it was not their fault.

This then, needs to be accepted, and letting go has to start immediately.  Sometimes the idea of letting go of anger or irritability takes longer.  As adults, we can model it for the kids, so that they learn from it.  It's ok to have difficult exchanges with loved ones, but it is critically important to share with them a fresh start...immediately.  If you hold grudges and carry lingering anger, your children will learn to do this as well.

Do-Over and Letting Go can be useful in many, if not all situations.  From little problems, to those quite large...ask for a do-over, and then let it go.

It's a new year, start fresh.  Enjoy something everyday.  Model kindness for your family.  Enjoy this video of 2 sweet girls...letting go.

Keep It Simple...and do anything you need to, over.  ♥D